First, thank you... you know who you are.

Second, in the weeks that have followed my grandmother's funeral, I have found it increasingly harder to concentrate. Specifically, on work. I don't think my grandmother ever worked a day in her life, not that I know of anyway. Instead, she stayed home and raised seven children. She may have not had a choice, but I do and every time I see little d learning a new thing from someone else my heart breaks a little bit more. I can't do it anymore. I like money, yes, but I love my child.

I set yet another date to embark on my journey as at SAHM. I've "set the date" many other times, but never took it seriously. Essentially, I've been mulling the idea for years now. Even before I had a kid to stay home with. I feel like it's shit or get off the pot now, though. In terms of trying it at least. I'd be a fool to tell you that I wasn't scared. I've been working since I was sixteen. Never at anything I really liked doing--it's always been for the money. I'm scared about not being able to make ends meet, sure, but I'm also scared I just might go insane staying home. I thought about getting a part time job and putting little d in daycare a couple of days a week, but even two days a week is expensive. Like over a hundred dollars a day expensive. For just two days! So, I think if I'm going to stay home, there will be no daycare in the equation.

The other thing is I'm a planner. I plan shit to death. Sometimes until it's starts to drive me mad. That's what I'm trying to do here and I think I just need to, for once, just dive in. Make sure we can actually do this money-wise and that we have decent insurance, yes, but other than that, I think I'm over thinking it. I'm just nervous, I guess, because once I quit writing, I don't want to go back. I quit writing once before and ended up going back to it six months later because I freaked I didn't have a job and it was the only thing I knew. I don't want a repeat of that situation. I am so done with writing.

Anyway. I'm just starting to babble now. I know in my heart it's what I want to do. It's funny, though, because instead of talking myself down from the ledge, I'm trying to talk myself onto it. So I can finally make the leap.

She's gone.

My grandmother passed away last Thursday. Her last dialysis treatment was the Saturday before. It only took five days. After three days she stopped talking. By the time I got there she was pretty much unconscious. I held her hand and I'd like to think she knew I was there, but she probably didn't. The funeral was bittersweet. Sad because she was gone, but happy because she was no longer suffering.

No brainpower right now for a title.

MRI came back clear. Oh, I didn’t tell you I had an MRI? Well, I did. My doctor ordered it because of my migraines. They let up when I was preggers, but now that I’m not they’ve come back full force.

The good news is that there are no tumors, but apparently, I’ve got some funkiness going on with my eyes, so I’ve got to go see an opthamologist (not to be confused with an optometrist). THEN it’s been suggested I see an ENT dude for my sinuses. So I’ve got a whole lot of fun coming up in the next few months.

Also, my paternal grandmother told my parents last night that she is refusing her next dialysis treatment. She doesn’t want to go on. She’s in too much pain. I can’t say that I blame her, but it doesn’t make the loss any easier. Once renal failure begins, it won’t take long for her to slip into a coma and then, eventually, pass on.

I have three grandparents left. I’ve been trying to prepare myself because I know all of them are living on borrowed time at this point, with my paternal grandmother being the worst off. Diabetes has destroyed her eyes, legs, heart and God knows what else. It’s an awful, awful disease. A disease that has also inflicted my father—hopefully this is not a preview of his later years.

I’m thankful I’m relatively healthy, but today is not the happiest of days for me. I doubt I’ll post much in the next few days and, more likely, the upcoming weeks.