A peek inside a disgruntled mind.
Wow. Just wow. I was searching through one of them there popular to remain nameless social networks and I found someone I used to know and still hate. Someone I still blame for messing up my ability to make and keep friends.
Here’s the back story: I had a friend who turned out not to be a friend at all, but a psychotic lunatic who stalked me, threatened to kill me, rallied my whole circle of friends at the time against me and essentially made my life a living hell because she thought I willingly slept with the vile asshole she was seeing behind her boyfriend’s back. It was not willingly. I was forced. But she refused to believe me, her friend, because she was so caught up in his lies that she couldn’t see him for what he was: A rapist.
I don’t talk about this often. And will probably never mention it again. I posted something about it here once, but took it down immediately because after all these years, I still feel weird talking about it. I haven’t completely come to terms with it I suppose. There’s still a little part of me that feels like it’s my fault. Like maybe, if I hadn’t been so nice and given him a ride home, it would never have happened.
So to see her go on and on about not wasting one second of your life on being mad or unhappy in her blog makes me so angry. I want to vomit when I read how she hates mean people and thinks everyone should laugh as much as they possibly can.
You. Fucking. Bitch. For six months I did nothing but live in fear that I was going to end up in the hospital with broken bones or worse. Do you know what it does to a person to be deathly afraid to leave their own home because their entire support system has been dupped into believing that they're an evil slut that needs to be taught a lesson. To have people you don’t even know drive by your middle-of-nowhere apartment screaming “Whore!” at all hours of the night. To lie awake in the dark crying because you feel like there isn’t a strong enough lock on your door.
TO HAVE THE DISTRICT ATTORNEY TELL YOU THAT IF YOU PROSECUTED, YOU’D PROBABLY LOSE JUST BECAUSE YOU KNEW HIM.
Yeah, I suppose you don’t. You’re too busy laughing and living life to the fullest and hating mean people. While I deal with the lasting effects of YOUR mean-ness over ten years later. No, mean-ness doesn’t even come close. What you did to me was fucking horrible. And God forgive me, but I can’t help but hope that if you haven't already got yours, that you will. That some one will make you feel as worthless as you once made me feel.
posted by Kerri Keberly @ 4:06 PM
7 Comments
7 Comments:
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No I don't believe you have to forgive and forget. So long as it's not something you nurse and eats you up. Not like the guy who flipped out recently here in STL and shot up a city council killing 5.
Nor is it wrong to wish for a comeuppance.
A rip off of the scab happens from time to time what can you do other than post it on your blog for some virtual stranger in another town to tell you "I think you should track her down and stab her in the eye."
See wasn't that easy? Expose it to the light, then it goes away until it comes back. Rinse, repeat.
Life happens, and frankly horrible shit happens all the time we almost never get over.
Fuck her, fuck her life and her fucking friends.
At least you have your spiteful internet friends, a loving husband/ baby and a job you adore where you get the respect you deserve.
Part of my problem with Christianity is the whole "forgive and forget" idea. You shouldn't feel it was your fault you were raped, or that you were treated brutally by your so-called friends, and you absolutely shouldn't beat yourself up because, 10 years later, the experience still haunts you from time to time. I second you in wanting everyone involved to feel what you felt. They don't deserve to have their eyeballs stabbed; they would be getting off way too easy.
Even in the virtual world, it takes a lot of guts to speak out about rape and abuse. It is so easy to get caught up in the memories and associated emotions and feel completely alone. But there are plenty of people out there who understand the powerlessness, guilt, and anger you are still feeling. We won't judge you for it, and you shouldn't judge yourself either.
Thanks for sharing your experience.
arrggh yeah I would totally vomit... to me vengeance wouldn't do it. I feel the hurge to do it, but experience tells me it sounds a lot more relieving than it actually is because it means getting involved with that person, and I wish to get as far as I can. I always try to live like they don't exist at all. I first wondered why you even checked her blog... but I imagine it is related to "keep your friends close and your enemies closer". If I had a GPS of every person I hate I would feel relieved. On the other hand, they would have mine and, hell, the main reason I don't use my real name over the web are those kind of people.
From that perspective, in this case, you have her GPS and as long as you don't comment or anything she doesn't have yours.
I just read in the dr. office that even thinking about revenge is satisfying to the brain... think big thoughts!
Ugh, you make me want to go write some nasty things on her Wall! :P I feel like she should know how terribly she affected you and be forced to repent. But I suppose that sort of thing can backfire.
See, that's the problem. "oooh you wrote something nasty on her wall."
Revenge doesn't work unless it affects real life.
Then of course that means at some point you become just like what you hate most and you're screwed.
Dream of the cleansing flame! Sweet, sweet cleansing flame.
capn--Well done. The job bit was a nice touch :)
n--I wasn't sure I should reveal such an intimate part of my life for the whole internet to see. But for some reason, it finally felt okay to do and I'm glad I did. It's healing in a way, to confess your darkest feelings to virtual strangers. Thank you for not judging me. To know that I'm not the only person who doesn't believe in forgiving and forgetting is really quite comforting.
locoma--No, it wasn’t really to keep my enemies closer--I want nothing to do with her. Sometimes when I get bored, I try to find people I know or have known on the internet. When I found her blog, I guess my curiosity just got the best of me.
I thought about leaving a comment. To rant and rave about what a hypocrite she is and what an awful person she was, and in my mind, still is. But I decided no good would come of it. It would not change what happened. And as far as I’m concerned, nothing she can do will ever make up for it.
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