Securing my place underground.
There are many things I could post about today: PMS, retards, work, retarded people at work with PMS, but I'm going to post about my husband's strange and bewildering (let's not forget highly annoying) affinity to any and all christian television programs. Which would be okay if HE WAS ACTUALLY RELIGIOUS.
Oh yeah. He's always trying to change the channel to Joyce "the angels tell me what to say" Meyers Ministries. That's his favorite. The ones where awkward, impressionable teens gather around a stage to listen to a christian rock band while swaying fervently back and forth to the holy rhythm with their eyes closed, lip syncing the word of God with so much feeling you can practically see their halos--those are a close second. Actually, I can tolerate those (for about 2.3 seconds) because they make me laugh hysterically (religious ecstasy?). I must admit, though, the melodies to them there christian rock songs are sometimes pretty good. I can't tell you how many dozens of times I've landed on a radio station, really gotten in to some song only to discover that it's christian rock. "I'm gonna give it up, give it up, give it up to no one but my God!" Once I realize what's happening, I immediately get pissed that 1.) I got suckered into staying tuned in to a christian rock station one second longer than I had to and 2.) the lyrics are so fucking stupid. They always try to make the lyrics relevent to today's youth and it always ends up sounding RETARDED. Whatever. Most people try and give it up as soon as possible. What makes you think words set to music some one hears on the radio is going to make much difference?
And you know those christian rock band members play the word of God to the hot and sweaty writhing mass of believers for one reason, don't you? Because joining the band had nothing to do spreading the word so much as it did about spreading some tender young thighs. "Trust me, the Lord said it was okay..."
Anyway, back to my husband's infatuation with televised Lord loving. He usually does it when he thinks I'm not paying attention, which, my love, is like a Mission: Impossible, because I'M ALWAYS PAYING ATTENTION. He'll flip through the channels and casually stop on a christian station like it's no big deal. Sometimes I wonder if he checks the program listing, because, really, let's get serious here, it happens way to often to be happenstance. It's like his inner religious zealot is yearning to break free...often causing my inner fist to yearn to deliver a blow that requires divine healing. And why would you want a busted lip? Often times that's exactly what I tell him, too. It's the Lord or your lip. You choose. Needless to say he chooses his lip. Reluctantly.
The only preaching I enjoy is from this guy.
posted by Kerri Keberly @ 2:19 PM
3 Comments
3 Comments:
LOL, that's hilarious!!! Almost makes me want to tune in sometimes, although usually every time I happen upon those channels I quickly get so disgusted I feel physically ill. I'll make fun of them vicariously through your husband. :)
Meyers...that cunt is from St L. I hate her even though I know nothing about her. The fact that there is a megachurch in St L using up the same air I breathe makes me want vomit.
But I understand why he watches them...it's how I feel about late night country line dancing shows: it's the Trainwreck of Human Condition. Like a bad car accident you can't look away, and you think, "Holy fuck, these guys are RETARDED. Let's see what stupid bullshit they fall for next. Is this who we are as a species? Space Travel, Internet Porn, White Castles and this is the best we can come up with?"
I can't believe you referenced the farting preacher!!!! Too Funny!
That Joyce chick gets me, too. I'm fucking agnostic but I like watching her. I hate her, but then she'll say something that makes me like her a little bit.
It's like crystal meth. Cancel cable Saint D! Or at least start planning an INTERVENTION!
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